Tribute to 9/11

Have you ever heard people talking about major events that affect everyone.  The one that used to come to mind was the assassination of President Kennedy.  It seemed that anyone old enough to remember that day was able to answer the question "Where were you when you heard JFK was shot?" with vivid clarity.

That event was a little before my time so I didn't really understand how something, no matter the importance, would imprint so strongly to a person.  I get it now.  A decade has passed and I can still remember every detail of the day I heard about the terror attacks on September 11, 2001.

Where Were You When The World Stopped Turning? by Alan Jackson

It wasn't a normal Tuesday for me and my husband, it was a special day.  You see, on September 5th, 2001 I gave birth to my daughter, Alexis Marie.  I had waited almost thirteen years to have my second child and this one was the little girl I had been wishing for.  So after my requisite stay in the hospital and a few days for recovery, my husband and I were taking our daughter to show her off to my co-workers.

The trip wasn't a short one, I had worked an hour away from home.  My husband and I chatted; blissfully ignorant of the crisis affecting America.  We didn't have the radio on, we were content to talk quietly to each other as our tiny baby slept on.

Imagine our surprise when, after the oohing and the ahhing at the baby, I was asked, "So, did you hear about the tragedy?" 

We had previously discussed a car accident that had happened to a co-workers sister so I answered, "You just told me."

That is when she explained the planes hitting into the twin towers.

Shock.

That is what I felt.  I had lived through the 'Cold War', being a military brat I knew the dangers we could face from other countries.  This... this was different.  This wasn't some boogie man type of threat.  This was an attack on American soil!

Flashes of the movie "Red Dawn" (an old '80's flick where America was invaded) came to mind.
We turned on a T.V. to watch the coverage.  I am not sure of when we found out about the plane that hit the Pentagon or the one that went down in Pennsylvania but it was horrible. 

I remember the fear we felt wondering if there were any more targets... The Sears Tower in Chicago... The Statue of Liberty... and then the personal, selfish fear... the military base near my own home.

The world changed that day.  It was wondrous to watch.  Suddenly everyone was supporting patriotism and there were flags flying in the yard.  The same love for the U.S.A that I was raised with was being demonstrated everywhere.

Of course, like everything else in our cynical society, it didn't last.  Eventually the flags that were once proudly waving could be seen littering the highway. 

We moved on. 

Now, ten years later, I can still recall with perfect clarity what happened that fateful day.  It is important to remember those that lost their lives and it is important to hold on to that American pride we once demonstrated.

I haven't forgotten.  September 11, 2001 will forever be a day I will remember...

Have you forgotten??? (music by Darryl Worley)

Life's About Changing, Nothing Ever Stays the Same

Okay, so you caught me.  Not all these songs just HAPPEN to come on the radio. Sometimes it is the Ipod of my life.  Every once in a while I purposefully want to go back.  I want to remember the times, good or bad... Happy or sad.

So I flick on How Can I Help You Say Goodbye by Patty Loveless.  Not all of the changes in your life are a matter of choice.  Sometimes it is a matter of circumstance.  Lines of this song happened to me, just a bit out of order.

I was a Navy brat.  I remember a hard move that we made when I was nine.  I remember waving to my friend until I couldn't see her and crying to my mom wondering why we had to move.  Her words weren't the same but the sentiment was.  It's okay to hurt and it's okay to cry.  I clung to my mom; I needed her.  She was the constant in my life.

That was a great thing while she was there but the second biggest life changing circumstance happened when I was sixteen years old and found out that my mom had ovarian cancer.  We lost her eighteen painful months later.

Dealing with her illness changed the person I was.  It pushed me over an edge I wasn't sure I would ever recover from.  Not long after her death, my son's birth father left me.  Just to add insult to injury he left me and our son for a woman with a baby that was six months younger than our boy.

The lyrics of the song are right, time does ease your pain.  Life is about changing and nothing ever stays the same.  It's just really hard to say goodbye.  Time has eased the pain but not erased it.  So much time has passed since her death that I have actually lived longer without her than I had with her.

The harder part of that is that there are very few people that know me and also knew her.  There are also so many things that she missed.  She never saw me graduate from high school or college.  She never met my husband.  She never got to hold my daughters.

I frequently wonder what life would have been like with her still in it.  I seriously doubt that I would be living in Jacksonville.  No, I was a Momma's girl, I wouldn't have moved that far away from home.  I think about what it would be like for my kids to have had her as a grandmother.  I ponder what kind of mother I would have become with her guidance.

The other losses in my life I have somewhat overcome.  I don't know if her death still affects me so much because it was the first significant death in my life (not even the family dog had died before that) or if it was because she was my mom.  Perhaps it was that I lost her so young; only being seventeen.  Maybe it's all of the above.

Listening to this song makes me cry.  I don't often indulge in recalling this memory.  It brings her back only to let her go again.

I will have to flip through the Ipod some more.  I need to find a better song... Something with happier memories.  It is good to remember, changes make you who you are today.  There are times though, that you need to remember who you once were.

We're in an Awful Mess, and I Don't Mean Maybe...

Since you chose 'shotgun' on my highway of life, I might as well start with the single most life affecting decision I have ever made...

I turn the radio on and although this song came out two years before it would mean anything to me when I hear it play memories come tumbling back.

Papa Don't Preach by Madonna: the anthem to teenage pregnancy.  I first heard this song when I was fourteen years old and I wondered how girls could get themselves into this kind of mess.  Who knew that by sixteen I would be having this same discussion with my parents.  Like the main character, by the time I had worked up my nerve to tell my family about my pregnancy I had already decided, "I was keeping my baby."

The year was 1988 and I was still in tenth grade when the nurse at my doctor's office said, "Oh, by the way, the results were positive."  She meant the pregnancy test results.  Not the news I wanted to hear.  You see I wasn't just a good kid on the right track, I had been on the fast track.  I didn't get into trouble and I was making the honor roll while taking honor level courses.

Now suddenly everything was going to change.  I never thought this could happen to me; but I was young and in love.  I was also very, very naive.  I honestly believed you could be anything you wanted to be; could do anything you wanted to do so long as you put your mind to it.

In some ways I still believe that is true.  Back then I just didn't understand baggage; as in family history and the strong beliefs others were raised with.  I didn't understand how everyone didn't think the same way I did.

I also couldn't understand the impact of raising a child.  How could I?  I had BEEN the child.  How could I have comprehended the commitment it would take to raise a baby to adulthood when I was only a teenager myself?

"He says that he's going to marry me.  We can raise a little family.  Maybe we'll be alright; it's a sacrifice."  That was a line from the song.  My parents wouldn't let me get married.  Color me shocked that they knew better than I did.  Although my seventeen year old boyfriend was as supportive as he could manage, he didn't last much past my son's first birthday.

My son... I gave birth to a 9 pound 4 ounce healthy baby boy.  He could have been so much better off being raised by grown ups; but I was too selfish.  The worst possible predicament for my sixteen year old self gives me one of my greatest joys today.

The best decision would have to never have gotten in the situation in the first place.  Once I was pregnant though... all bets were off.  My parents allowed me to make the desicion and gave me the support to keep my baby.

Now, twenty three years later, I can tell you I made the right choice.